Maybe there’s something to be said for the “good” people.

Why?

Why are you good. Why do you live by the book?

When bad things happen following your good behavior, don’t you feel a tad indignant? As though you’ve done more than enough to deserve better? 

I’ve realized just now that people live “good” lives in hopes of (being able to) controlling it.

For example, 

Jon and Steph did everything by the book when it comes to life and dating…I didn’t. But what if good things befall me and they end up with a harder marriage or etc?

Bad things happen to good people.

Really? I’m not so sure. 

I think bad things happen to all people, but when it happens to the good ones, we tend to get surprised about it. But why? Is their good behavior meriting or warranting good things ceaselessly come into their range? 

That’s life. Different opportunities present themselves to different sets of people for different reasons (and I want to say sometimes for no reason at all, but for the sake of the fact that I stand on faith, I don’t think I can take that position…). 

Talking with Andrew last night, and he just seems really lost. That surprises me. Not in terms of his disposition but in terms of his potential. And so I guess that’s how my family sees me, how I see my dad, etc. He doesn’t feel like he’s living purposefully and so I asked what I thought were thought provoking questions (after which I felt like an asshole that only made things worse, but that’s another topic entirely…).

Well, what does make you feel like you’re living purposefully? What phase in your life can you pinpoint as having been lived most purposefully? When were you the best you that you could be? 

After all that…the giving him a hard time and trying to help, but making things worse. Before he went to sleep and before I went to take a shower, I said this

that no matter what you choose to do, people are what matters. That’s what lends content and value to a person’s life. They have different sets of problems, personalities and etcetc. Investing in the people around you make things more purposeful regardless of what you’re choosing to do with your time. It could be the case that someone else is doing the same exact research job as Andrew, but does feel purposeful. I think there is some insight in seeing that you’re too zeroed in on yourself and sometimes being able to take a step back from that to look at the people around you can be refreshing. At the same time, I see where lack of motivation, reservations, laziness, fear…all of it, I see where that comes from.

I know that I specifically struggle with that problem, but at the same time NOW is as good a time as ever to wrestle with the things that are compromising of character and mentality. Anything that tampers with those two things are worth looking at and being wrestled with. The more we sit with these things, the more engrained it becomes. A part of us. A (soon enough), integral part of us. Do you want that? When you see those certain qualities, are those the things you want to be stuck with? Or have a harder time kicking to the curb?? Now is seriously as good a time as ever. To learn things now will prove to be most valuable in the future and there will never be a time in which you regret learning something sooner than later. 

I can’t clearly articulate what I’m feeling, but I just really am coming to understand the importance of every decision we make. At the same time, there’s this delicate balance in which we are not in control. And that is yet another thing that we need to come to embrace instead of fight. What does embracing it look like? I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. 

This is a crazy post, but I felt like those were the things that needed to be said on my part. There are a lot of thoughts floating around in my head—namely, ones that have to do with self worth and success. How I define those things and how I actualize it are going to be very key, very important in shaping who I am. So I think I need to be careful, but at the same time, be careful about thinking I have too much control because that is never the case.

I need to learn surrender. 

I think we all kind of do.